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101 Great Things About Being Gay
1. You truly don't care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with. 2. You know someone who definitely was in that emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil. 3. You can tell a woman you lover bathing suit, and mean her bathing suit. 4. You never have to spend an evening at a karaoke bar. 5. You know how to get your mother off the phone quickly. 6. You can explain the nuances between "steady date," "boyfriend / girlfriend," and "lover." 7. You really have "been there, done that." 8. You're the only type of male who gets to say "fabulous." 9. Unlike your women friends, you can hang out in men's locker rooms. 10. Unlike your male friends, you can hang out in women's locker rooms. 11. You can dress like a member of a college crew team without ever having to break a sweat. 12. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius. 13. You know the differences between a latte, a macchiato, a café au lait, and a cappucino. And if you don't, you know how to fake it. 14. You know how to get back at just about everyone. 15. Your pets always have great names. 16. You don't have to sit through cute baby stories. 17. Nobody expects you to change the tire. 18. You're the only kind of guy who gets to do the Cosmo quizzes. 19. You are, hands down, your nephews' and nieces' favorite uncle / aunt. 20. You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them. 21. You wouldn't be caught dead in Hooters (gay male) 22. You would love to be caught dead in Hooters (lesbians). 23. You've always got an opinion. 24. You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical. 25. You're the only one at the reunion who looks a lot better than you did in high school. 26. You're on a first name basis with at least one cabaret performer. 27. If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers. 28. You know that sex complicates things. So? 29. You'd never dream of hiring a woman for her cup size. 30. When you can't get foie gras, you'll settle for salami. 31. You know that being called "a cheap slut" isn't actually an insult. 32. There's a married man somewhere who is terrified of you. 33. You're someone's favorite candidate for the turkey baster. 34. You can insult straight guys' taste in ties. 35. You wouldn't buy someone a mug for his birthday. 36. You'll never have to be a soccer mom. You can, however, be a diva. 37. You're the only kind of person over the age of forty who still sports the occasional hickey. 38. You never have to watch a kiddie movie. 39. You understand a man's physiology better then Leonardo da Vinci. (well, better than Picasso anyway....) 40. You've insulted a bigot. 41. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your "roommate." 42. You know that referring to someone as "a real lady" isn't necessarily a compliment. 43. You find "coming out" stories fascinating. 44. You are tolerant of straight sex. Even Jeff Stryker's. 45. You never use your age as an excuse. 46. Your favorite accessory may also be your dinner companion. 47. You know that the most important part of a party's decor is the catering staff. 48. You're most used to hearing, "God I wish you were straight" from: 1. Your mother 2. Your best straight female / male friend 3. Your lover 49. If your cat's a female, you swear it's a lesbian. 50. If your cat's a male, you swear it's a lesbian. 51. You've sung in the shower. Or at least hit some high notes. 52. Unlike most straight guy's, you've practiced your Kegel exercises. (Even if you never knew it.) 53. You're often the "best man" at weddings. And you're often the best man at weddings, too. 54. You sing along heartily with songs that make most feminists cringe, like "Stand by Your Man." 55. You know when to stay in bed. 56. You've got some terrific dirty jokes. 57. You can read between the lines in a "personals" ad. 58. You keep your nose hairs clipped. 59. Even if you're in Kansas, you're not in Kansas anymore. 60. You can see past the vulgarity of construction workers. 61. You've got your own section at the local video store. (As long as it's not Blockbuster). 62. You can lip-synch to at least one Supremes song. 63. You know how to dish. 64. You know how to diss. 65. You know how to dust. 66. A walk on the beach can reap benefits beyond burning calories. 67. You don't assume that women at the party will do the cleaning up. 68. You've made sunbathing a performance art. 69. When faced with great physical pain, you don't hesitate. Like having your back waxed. 70. You can be truly objective when your married friends have spats. 71. We've got Gore Vidal. They've got Al Gore. 72. You've always got the most interesting coffee-table books. 73. When someone turns his back on you, you consider it an opportunity. 74. You've got a large assortment of movie-star biographies. 75. You have your own restaurants. 76. You have your own discos. 77. You have your own bookstores. 78. You have your own coffee bars. 79. You have your own movie theaters. 80. You have your own travel agents. 81. You have your own financial advisers. 82. You have your own money. 83. When GQ started ignoring you, they went straight downhill. 84. You can spot a cheap suit. Even if it's in a heap on your bedroom floor. 85. You can work the Classified sections for fun or profit. 86. You only lose expensive sunglasses. 87. You can always "whip up a little something." You may even have a little whip. 88. You know exactly how many martinis it takes. 89. You know when a fashion trend is over. 90. At some moment in your life, you've envisioned having backup girls. 91. You don't like the term "open homosexual." It makes you sound like a 7-Eleven. 92. Not only have you added spice to your sex life -- sometimes you've added side dishes. 93. Hopefully, you don't slur minorities. 94. Hopefully, if you do slur other minorities, someone shuts you up. 95. You don't look to your parents for political guidance. 96. You have a sentimental collection of objects that are of no interest to anyone else. Pez dispensers, for example. 97. You can immediately audit the flaws of anyone your friends are considering going home with. 98. You know when not to listen to your friends. 99. You're generally aware of your "issues." 100. You know never to respond to the question, "How old do you think I am?" 101. You believe in nondiscrimination. But you struggle with the challenge of cute straight guys working in gay clubs. |
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