My Roommate Isn't Straight . . .
and I Don't Like It!

Notes -- Paper

My roommate isn't straight ... and I don't like it!

NOTES This page contains notes about the paper that I thought were relevant, but not appropriate to include in the text of the paper itself.

"My roommate isn't straight..." is targeted primarily at a heterosexual resident seeking a room change because their roommate is gay, lesbian, or bisexual. This paper was based on several texts, workshop materials supplied by Douglas Nolder and Norris Pearson, and interviews with members of GLBA and with a heterosexual friend of mine who had difficulty coping with a friend's sexual orientation. The texts reviewed include:

The most heavily used reference by far was Is It a Choice? The other texts helped in developing perspective, but didn't necessarily contribute any direct material. Interviews and workshop materials provided guidelines for how to structure the paper and specific examples.

My goal for this paper was to address the issues of homosexuality/bisexuality, homophobia, and heterosexism on a personal level rather than a political one, and in a cooperative rather than confrontational fashion. I hope it proves itself useful!

Kari Kelton
1/15/96

My roommate isn't straight ...
and I don't like it!

By Kari Kelton

Discovering that your roommate is homosexual or bisexual can be alarming. It forces you to confront issues you may never have had to face before, and raises questions that you'd simply rather not deal with. Thus you may view your roommate's sexual orientation as a source of conflict. However, even if you have strong objections to homosexuality and/or bisexuality, you can still develop and maintain a positive relationship with your roommate. This paper provides you with information and suggestions you can use to learn to live peaceably with this facet of your roommate's character.

Why should I bother?

If you and your roommate have become friends, your desire to preserve the friendship may be incentive enough for you to work things out rather than abandon your roommate. If you and your roommate do not share a close relationship, your first instinct may be to "get out" - to seek a new room or roommate. Running away like this, while fraught with its own problems, may also be detrimental to your own best interest.

It's important to realize that gays, lesbians, and bisexuals make up a significant portion of the population. The most commonly quoted figure is that 10% of the population is gay, lesbian, or bisexual; some studies place this number as high as 20%. You are constantly interacting with gay, lesbian, and bisexual people without realizing it.

Odds are that at some point in your life you will have to knowingly interact with a homosexual or bisexual person and be unable to avoid it. Perhaps a close friend or family member will tell you that he/she is homosexual or bisexual. Or maybe you will encounter an openly homosexual or bisexual person in a position of authority, such as a teacher, interviewer, or boss. Resolving the conflict with your roommate now will enable you to deal much more effectively with these situations in the future.

Furthermore, learning to interact positively with someone in spite of fundamentally different views and personalities is a valuable skill in and of itself. It increases your sensitivity to others' feelings and improves your ability to make others feel comfortable. This will enhance not only your personal relationships, but possibly your marketability and your career. Employers are becoming increasingly aware of the importance of interpersonal and emotional skills in job success. Questions such as, "Tell me about a significant challenge you faced and how you overcame it," or "Describe a situation in which you had to work with someone who was very different from you," are common interview topics. Working things out with your roommate is exactly the kind of experience that will develop these skills.

What is homosexuality/bisexuality?

Homosexuality is generally defined as a pattern of attraction for members of the same sex, while bisexuality is a pattern of attraction for members of both genders. Homosexuality and bisexuality are defined by feelings, not by actions. That is, a single homosexual experience does not imply that someone is homosexual; likewise, engaging in a heterosexual act does not mean that someone is necessarily straight. The factor that defines a person's sexual orientation is whether that person desires intimacy with members of the same, the opposite, or both sexes, regardless of the person's actual sexual experience.

It is also important to note that a person's sexual orientation is described by the general pattern or trend of their feelings, not by a single incident. Psychologists recognize that sexual orientation is defined across a continuum, rather than being organized into discrete groups of "heterosexual," "bisexual," and "homosexual." So it is perfectly natural for a heterosexual to experience an occasional homosexual attraction or homoerotic dream. This does not mean the person is homosexual. However, if the feelings are recurring, happen frequently, or do not go away, then it is likely that the person is homosexual.

A note about language: the word "homosexual" and particularly the word "gay," while originally genderless in nature, have often been used to refer to homosexual males exclusively, while the term "lesbian" is reserved for homosexual females, and "bisexual" refers to bisexuals of either gender. For simplicity, the word "homosexual" will be used in this paper as an umbrella term referring to gays, lesbians, and bisexuals. In addition, the genderless pronoun "they" will be used in place of references to "he/she."

How does someone know whether they are homosexual?

Our society places tremendous value on heterosexuality, and as a result most of us grow up and enter heterosexual lives without thinking twice. The homosexual does not have this luxury. For all homosexuals there inevitably comes a point when they realize their true sexual orientation, because they begin to recognize a pattern of feelings of attraction for members of the same or both sexes.

The first indication of homosexuality is often a sense of being "different" without understanding exactly what the difference is. Many homosexuals engage in heterosexual relationships when they're young, but often with a lack of enthusiasm for sexual intimacy. Over time the homosexual will "come out" to themselves; that is, they will gradually acknowledge their homosexual feelings. This frequently occurs during the high-school and college years, since all people go through a natural process of self-discovery at that time. They must then decide whether to "come out" to others, to reveal their sexual orientation to other people; or to remain "in the closet," to keep their feelings hidden and continue to "pass" as a heterosexual. Coming out is not so much an event as a process. A homosexual may choose to be "out" to some people, but "closeted" to others.

For homosexuals, the process of coming to grips with their sexual orientation is extremely difficult and can take years to complete. Some may not realize their homosexuality because they haven't learned what signs to look for. Others may repress their homosexual feelings because they think it's just a phase, because they've been taught to disapprove of homosexuality, or because they want to avoid the negative repercussions of being homosexual. As they're coming out, homosexuals often experience depression and self-hatred, and are afraid to acknowledge the truth. They frequently wish they were heterosexual, because they think that is the way they should be.

As a result, many homosexuals feel guilty or ashamed of their sexual orientation. They feel like failures because they will never be able to fill the social role that they've been taught since they were children - to be heterosexual. They will often attempt to convince themselves or others that they are heterosexual by maintaining opposite-sex relationships or marriages. However, this doesn't change the fact that they are homosexual.

Eventually the homosexual learns that no matter how hard they try, they cannot change their sexual orientation. Over time they are able to accept their homosexuality as a natural element of their emotional makeup. They also gain a sense of perspective, recognizing that their sexuality is only one part of their total character. This enables homosexuals to engage in fulfilling relationships and to lead full, healthy lives.

Is homosexuality a choice?

Although it hasn't yet been proven conclusively in all cases, the overwhelming majority of the evidence suggests that a person's sexual orientation is determined biologically. This means you're about as free to choose your sexual orientation as you are to choose the color of your skin.

Besides, given the option, who would want the problems homosexuals face? They may be cut off by family and friends who do not approve of their orientation; this is especially problematic for high school- and college-age homosexuals, who may be thrown out of their parents' home. Religious and political leaders condemn them as sinful, evil, and deviant. They may be fired from their jobs or denied service in restaurants without legal recourse; they are prohibited from celebrating the bond of marriage with their loved one; and they are frequently denied adoption. Hate crimes perpetrated against homosexuals range from verbal harrassment to brutal physical violence. This is not the life anyone would "choose" if they had any choice in the matter.

Remember that homosexuality is defined by feelings, not actions. Feelings of attraction are just like feelings of love, anger, jealousy, and sadness. They come to us naturally, not by any conscious choice we make.

Is homosexuality abnormal or unnatural?

Saying that homosexuality is abnormal implies that there is some standard of "normal" sexual orientation. But how do you define normal? If you define normal to mean "in the majority," then homosexuality is not normal. But neither is red hair or left-handedness. Slapping the label "abnormal" on homosexuality is misleading, since it is defined in terms of simple numbers but is interpreted as a condemnation. After all, no one is passing judgment on red hair.

Defining normal as "socially acceptable" leads to a circular argument. Homosexuality is abnormal because it is not acceptable to society, but the reason it is socially unacceptable is because it is abnormal. This type of self-fulfilling logic doesn't reveal any truth about homosexuality; it simply serves to perpetuate its own false premises.

The same goes for labelling homosexuality as "unnatural." Some say that any form of sexual contact between two people of the same gender is unnatural. However, homosexuality is abundant in nature. Man is not the only animal to exhibit homosexuality; it has also been documented in dogs, dolphins, mountain rams, seagulls, and gorillas, to name a few. That makes a homosexual about as unnatural as a carnivore.

(Incidentally, the fact that homosexuality occurs in many species also discredits the theory of homosexuality as a lifestyle choice. It's ludicrous to think that a dog or a seagull consciously chooses to be homosexual.)

Others assert that penis-vagina contact is the only natural form of sexual expression. But if this is true, then popular heterosexual practices like kissing and oral sex must also be considered unnatural. Let's face it: virtually all forms of sexual expression practiced by homosexuals are practiced by heterosexuals as well.

Another argument is based on the assumption that the primary purpose of sexual expression is procreation. Because homosexual contact cannot result in conception, it is deemed unnatural. But what about infertile heterosexuals? According to this argument, it would be just as unnatural for these heterosexuals to engage in any form of sexual expression as it would be for a homosexual.

Is homosexuality a mental illness?

The concept of homosexuality as a mental illness grew out of Freud's theory of sexual development, which asserted that all people passed through a homosexual phase, and that homosexuals were people that simply hadn't yet grown out of that phase. This theory has since been discredited. In the 1950's, Dr. Evelyn Hooker conducted a landmark study showing that there was no significant difference in the psychological health of homosexual men as opposed to heterosexual men. Both the American Psychiatric Association and the American Psychological Association officially recognize that homosexuality is not a mental illness. Besides, who would label a homosexual dolphin or ram as mentally ill?

Is homosexuality sinful or morally wrong?

Many religions and denominations denounce homosexuality as evil, citing holy texts and religious doctrine to support their position. As a result, many people object to homosexuality on religious grounds.

However, there are also many religious homosexuals who have found ways to reconcile their faith with their sexual orientation. In addition, many denominations accept openly homosexual members. Some do not consider homosexuality a sin, and a few perform homosexual marriages and even accept homosexuals into their clergy. A common theme among these faiths is a firm belief in universal love and benevolence.

If you object to homosexuality on religious grounds, it is your prerogative to retain those beliefs. However, this does not mean that you cannot coexist peaceably with your roommate. In this case, having a homosexual roommate is equivalent to having a heterosexual roommate with radically different religious views. In the words of one sharp young man, "Just because you think I'm going to hell doesn't mean we can't be roommates." As long as you respect your roommate's right to choose their own morals, they will respect your right to do the same.

Aren't most child molesters homosexual?

No. In fact, the percentage of homosexual child molesters is disproportionately small. That is, the proportion of child molesters who are homosexual is smaller than the proportion of the general population who are homosexual. The truth is that the vast majority (approximately 90%) of child molesters are heterosexual men - including abusers of young boys.

Are homosexuals extremely promiscuous?

The association between homosexuality and promiscuity has it roots in the singles scene of the 1970s, a time when promiscuity was also common among heterosexuals. Although some homosexuals are promiscuous (just as some heterosexuals are), the majority are not (just as the majority of heterosexuals are not). In reality, the average homosexual experiences less sexual activity than the average heterosexual. Given the degree of disapproval of homosexuality present in society, it's simply harder to find a partner and an opportunity.

Unfortunately, media sensationalism and the high visibility of promiscuous persons have contributed to the popular image of homosexuals as rampantly promiscuous. It is important to remember that most homosexuals do not fit this image, and that promiscuity is not limited to homosexuals. Many heterosexuals are just as promiscuous.

Is there any way to spot a homosexual?

There are several physical stereotypes commonly associated with homosexuals. Gay men are portrayed as effeminate, weak or slight of build, nonathletic, and speaking with a lisp. Lesbians are often depicted as masculine or "butch," unattractive, and refusing to wear makeup. As a result, many heterosexuals think they can identify a homosexual by the way they look, dress, or behave. This belief is false, however. While there are some homosexuals that fit these images, many do not. And there are many heterosexuals that exhibit these characteristics. In fact, there is no empirical evidence that homosexuals are any more likely than heterosexuals to conform to these stereotypes, or that a significant proportion of homosexuals do fit these characteristics.

So how are these stereotypes sustained if they are not all that accurate? Once a stereotype is formed, it takes on a life of its own and will continue to persevere in the face of contrary evidence. It may even encourage the subjects of the stereotype to conform to it, because it teaches them that this is the type of behavior expected of them. Think of all the stereotypes you have heard regarding your gender, for example. You probably don't fit most of them. It's very likely that you know many people who also don't conform to them, and perhaps a few who do. However, the stereotypes continue to exist.

Another contributing factor is that it is very difficult for a homosexual who fits the stereotypes to pass as a heterosexual. Everyone assumes that the person is homosexual anyway, so they might as well be open about it. However, homosexuals that do not fit these stereotypes are much less visible. People generally assume that they are heterosexual unless they indicate otherwise. They often take advantage of this fact to protect themselves from discrimination or violence by posing as a heterosexual, and coming out only to a select group of people.

Thus the existence of homosexuals who do not fit the stereotypes is all but invisible to most heterosexuals. They then assume that because they see such a high proportion of stereotypical homosexuals, these stereotypes must be true of homosexuals in general. In reality they are surrounded by counterexamples - assumed heterosexuals that they simply don't know are homosexual.

Why do homosexuals have to be public about their homosexuality? Why can't they keep it to themselves?

Suppose that society suddenly deemed your hair color to be unacceptable. (If you think this is far-fetched, recall the blond-haired blue-eyed Aryan put forth by the Nazis.) Imagine how difficult it would be to conceal it. Think of the tremendous effort it would require to dye or remove your hair, your eyebrows, your facial and body hair. There would be a thousand details to attend to: the roots of your hair, the hairs on your knuckles, shaving stubble. You would constantly be afraid that someone would discover your hair dye, or find a stray hair, or notice that you waxed your arms and become suspicious. You would also have to watch every word you said in even the simplest conversations so that you didn't give yourself away. For example, if somebody asked you what you had done the night before, and you had spent it coloring your hair, you would immediately have to invent a lie to cover yourself.

This scenario is very similar to the life of a closeted homosexual. They go to great lengths to lead a double life, always on their guard against any signs that may give them away. They have to monitor their every word, even in response to the most innocent comments. And they live constantly in fear. While some homosexuals choose to remain in the closet rather than face the consequences of coming out, it is not the kind of life that should be forced upon anyone.

A common complaint against homosexuals is that they "flaunt" their homosexuality. However, the actions in question often involve behavior that is perfectly acceptable when performed by heterosexuals. These may include keeping a photo of their lover on their desk at work, bringing their date to a social function, or simple displays of affection, such as holding hands or putting their arms around each other. The little luxuries taken for granted by heterosexuals are contraband for homosexuals.

What if my roommate makes a pass at me?

This is extremely rare. Contrary to popular heterosexual belief, homosexuals are generally not attracted to heterosexuals, and they do not try to "recruit" heterosexuals into homosexuality. Homosexuals are acutely aware of the fact that no one can change their sexual orientation, so they neither seek to change the orientation of another nor pursue a hopeless prospect.

If this does happen, it is most likely due to a misunderstanding on the part of the homosexual. They may be merely joking in a candid manner, like when heterosexual friends flirt harmlessly. In this case they may either be unaware of any disapproval on your part, or they may be attempting to use humor to lessen your apprehension. Another possibility is that they are unsure of your sexual orientation. Once they discover that you are heterosexual, they will quickly lose interest, just as you would lose interest in a romantic prospect if you learned that they were homosexual. In either instance, simply informing your roommate of your feelings should resolve the problem.

If the homosexual is aware that their sexual orientation is a point of contention, they may be making suggestive comments as a means to retaliate against what they perceive as your disapproval of their orientation. (Yes, even homosexuals can be pigheaded at times.) Once again, the best response on your part is to communicate your feelings to your roommate in an honest and sensitive manner. Opening a healthy dialogue will lessen the animosity between you and eventually stop the negative behavior. Reacting angrily will only encourage them.

What should I do?

Don't let it eat away at you - talk to your roommate! If your roommate hasn't actually come out to you, but you think they're homosexual, let them know how you feel and that you're willing to discuss it. Although rare, there have been cases of "mistaken identity" in which one roommate thought the other was homosexual, only to find out later that the roommate in question was heterosexual after all.

Once your roommate has come out to you, continue to communicate your feelings. Be honest, but be sensitive in the way you phrase things. Ask lots of questions. Don't focus on your roommate's sexual orientation itself, but concentrate instead on the way it makes you feel. Approach the conflict as something you can resolve together, rather than a problem that your roommate must correct on their own. Show respect for your roommate's feelings, and your roommate will show the same respect for yours.

Even though you may object strongly to your roommate's homosexuality, recognize that coming out in the face of your disapproval requires a great deal of courage on the part of your roommate. One homosexual told of coming out to a roommate knowing that they were not accepting of homosexuality. Although the roommate was uncomfortable with the homosexual's orientation, they accepted the coming out as an act of trust and bravery. As a result the two roommates, who did not get along with each other before the coming out, grew closer together and forged a friendship.

It's also important to respect your roommate's privacy. Don't assume that their friends are homosexual, or that anyone besides you knows about their sexual orientation. It is not up to you to decide when and how your roommate comes out.

Above all it is imperative that you handle the situation sensitively. Suppose that you were impotent or frigid, and that someone you knew discovered this fact. It's extremely personal, none of their business, doesn't harm anyone, and carries negative connotations. How would you feel if that person constantly chastised you for it? Now imagine that person telling your family, friends, neighbors, or classmates. How hurt and angry would you be? This gives you an idea of the feelings your roommate is facing in coming out to you. Treat your roommate with the same respect and sensitivity you would want if you were in their shoes.

Be especially careful with a closeted homosexual. They are probably undergoing a period of intense emotional trauma, trying to cope with feelings of despair, depression, doubt, and self-loathing. As a result, they may be extremely sensitive. A snide remark from you could have drastic consequences. In some cases a malicious act by a roommate has driven a homosexual to drop out of school or commit suicide. This is probably not something you want hanging over your conscience.

Even after the initial discussion, keep the lines of communication open. The details of the situation and your relationship will change over time, so continue to speak up if you feel uncomfortable. Be receptive so that your roommate can do the same.

What will my friends say?

If your friends, neighbors, or classmates discover your roommate's orientation, they may give you some flak along the lines of "Why do you put up with that?" It may be very tempting to seize the chance to indulge your frustations, but don't cave in! It will only make living with your roommate that much more intolerable.

Instead, remind them that your roommate's sexual orientation is none of their business. Defend your willingness to cope with your roommate's homosexuality on the grounds that you're going to have to confront it someday, so you might as well start now. Display a positive attitude about the situation. Then change the subject. Don't dwell on your negative feelings with people who will encourage them; it will only make the situation worse.

Where should I go for help?

Your RA is an excellent resource for helping resolve the conflict between you and your roommate. You can vent your feelings to your RA, or you may want to include your RA in your discussions with your roommate. In the coming out described above, the homosexual asked the RA to be present when they came out to their roommate. Having the RA present created a safe environment, enabling both roommates to communicate openly. Furthermore, individual follow-up discussions with the RA allowed them to talk about their reactions. The RA can also help smooth things over with troublesome neighbors.

Many people find it helpful to seek out the advice of a neutral heterosexual. This may be your RA (but don't assume the RA is heterosexual!) or a trusted friend. This person can give you practical "been there, done that" advice for coping with your feelings. You may also ask them to mediate between you and your roommate.

Throughout the process remember that the goal is not to change your or your roomate's beliefs, but to enable you to live together in spite of your differences. No one expects your roommate to become heterosexual, nor do they expect you to become an avid supporter of homosexuality. All that is desired is for you both to have a safe and healthy living environment.

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